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Relationship Quiz

What’s your level of skill at being in close relationships?


I confide my thoughts and feelings regularly with my partner, with emotional openness.


I listen empathetically to my partner without interrupting  to give my point of view


I recognize when I am overreacting and take responsibility to reduce and change inappropriate responses.


I express important hurt, fear or irritation directly (after listening  thoroughly) to present a different perspective or request for change in a positive way.


I check out my partner’s intentions (rather than mind read) about puzzling behaviors or actions.


I make resolving issues to a win-win solution a priority (rather than seeking to be the “winner” of a disagreement).


I share my unspoken beliefs and expectations with my partner in order to avoid mind reading and misunderstandings.


I initiate asking for change when I feel resentful or disagree -- such as the division of responsibilities -- rather than stew about it silently.


I make play, recreation, pleasure and humor an important part of my relationship.


I know what my partner’s “buttons” are and refrain from pushing them intentionally.


I choose trust, truth, mutual respect and fidelity as the foundation of my lasting, loving relationship.


I encourage adequate autonomy, independence and breathing room  in the relationship by having a good sized network of friends and community to balance my closeness.


I regularly express gratitude, appreciations, wishes, hopes and  dreams to my partner.


I take responsibility for hurts inflicted in the relationship, and at the same time, choose to let go of grudges and forgive in order to move on to a positive future.


I work to develop a strong “sense of we” -- intentionally choosing to sometimes do activities my partner enjoys and create memories  together, even if it is not my favorite thing to do.


SCORING- How many boxes did you check?

    12-15 Excellent!  You are a rare and very skilled partner! 
    7- 11 Pretty good --  and, there are definitely a few PAIRS skills to learn! 
     0-6 Better sign up for a PAIRS workshop… TODAY!

  • PAIRS in Virginia is an effective marriage counseling alternative to help couples restore clear communication, avoid fighting, diffuse anger, solve problems together and reenergize intimacy.   Our classes teach you the skills you need to sustain a happy relationship!  Call 703-476-5644.

[Adapted with permission from “Premarital Counseling from a PAIRS Perspective”, in the Handbook of Couple’s Therapy,  Lori Gordon, Robin Temple & Don Adams; Wiley, 2005.]

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